Sometimes I Wonder Why...

I did tell you that I would rarely mention Robert and I still plan on not mentioning him much, but today is not one of those days.
Some nights, I stay up late looking through photos online. There is something about flipping through pictures in "albums" on Facebook that makes me smile and cry at the same time. It is seeing 19 months of Caelyn's life flip by in a few minutes and realizing just how much she has changed in this period of time.
During the flipping of pictures, I am bound to come across photos online of Robert. His most recent picture with Caelyn was on Easter 2011, so just about 4 months ago. This is the last photo I have of them together and I am pretty sure it will be the last - permanently.
More days than not, I am at ease with the fact that he has made the decision to not be in Caelyn's life. Who am I to make that decision for him? I am her mother and that fact will never change; I know that I will never leave her side. But, I am in no position to convince him that her having a step-father and a biological father is not a terrible thing. This is his reason behind leaving - that she deserves one father that is always there for her, not two. I am still baffled by this because millions of children are raised with two fathers and come out totally normal. But, I couldn't convince him of this.
I haven't spoken to him since the end of July and will not unless 100% necessary. I do not plan on seeing him, unless necessary - which it will be one day.
I began having problems with him ditching her in the beginning of May - him lying to get out of babysitting, saying he would pick her up yet not doing so, etc. His last visit with her was on June 5. I remember it well. I worked and he had her. I left and told him I was stopping at Andrew's house, which I was about to move into, to drop off paint then I would be up to pick her up. He said no and that he was close to Andrew's home and would drop her off there. When he showed up, he said she was being Satan. He left her and that was the last time he has seen her.
How can a father do that? How can a father not see his child in 3 months?
I sometimes wonder when I am alone if he thinks about her. If she pops into his mind and if he ever wonders what she is doing then. I hope so.
He told us that he wants to give up parental rights and will allow Andrew to adopt her once we are married. We are planning on moving forward with that plan. I wonder if he will change his mind when we move forward with it. There is so much unknown and I hate that, because I like to have all the cards out in front of me. I wonder if his future marriage with his girl won't work out and if that will spur him to want to make contact. We hope by that time that we have had time to work the adoption out.
Most of all, I hope that he realizes that the decision will be permanent. He couldn't decide in 6 years that he wants to be a father to her again because he will have no ties to her except for blood relations and she will have no clue to who he is.

I do my best to not worry, stress, or think about it or him. Sometimes though, the thoughts make their way into my mind. I can't help but wonder. I just pray that God has a smooth plan ahead for us. And that Andrew's pager would stop going off right now. Amen.

To Robert..

Sometimes, I need to explain my feelings in writing rather than in words; I tend to be better with writing than spoken words. I know you will read this because you read my blog; I thank you for that.

I know that times lately have been tough for us. My PPD has made things even more difficult; as if we needed any more stress added on top of learning how to be parents. But, I have some things to say to you which I don't say often enough. When moments get tough, remember I love you.

Thank you for being the man that you are. Thank you for loving me for ME. Thank you for being open and accepting of the things I want to do and being supportive at that. You understand me better than anyone and I love that. This last year has been the best year of my life. Our journey together thus far has been amazing. With you, I have experienced moving out on my own, creating a child, giving birth, raising a child, and creating a family. You have been there as I figured out what kind of parent I am and have been fully supportive of my move towards the more natural parenting style. Not many men can handle that; you can.

Thank you for loving my parents. I love that you love them and I love that they love you. I love that you can hang out with my parents without me.

Thank you for being an amazing father. When I look at Caelyn, I see you. I see your mother. She looks like your mother; I know she is watching us from heaven and is smiling. She is watching Caelyn grow. I wish she could be here in person to hold her, but I know in my heart that she sees Caelyn and loves her. I love to see you play with Caelyn and the smile that crosses her face when she sees you. Days when you work long hours and you come home, she gives you a smile that she gives no one else. It is precious; she loves her Daddy so much. I love to listen to you at bathtime. I listen in the living room to you talking to her and I smile.

Thank you for being there for me and understanding that this has been the hardest time of my life, even though it has been the best. I have, in a year, went from a carefree, college, sorority, girl to a natural, going-green, domesticated, clothdiapering, babywearing, making babyfood, housewife, full-time student, part-time waitress, and full time mother. It has been the best journey I have ever gone through. I have found myself with you beside me. You are a part of me.

I just want you to realize I love you for you. I love you for the headstrong, crazy, funny, quiet guy that you are. When you think that I don't love you.... well.. read this. Realize, I would do anything for you and our family and I cannot wait to see what our future together holds. I know that it will be amazing. I love you.

Caelyn's Birth Story

I wanted to tell you all another story - the most important story of my life thus far. I wasn't blogging when Caelyn was born. If I had been, this would have been posted a lot earlier. But, I want to post it now rather than later, for future reference although I doubt I will ever forget this.

This is how it began......

When I was 38 weeks pregnant, we decided we would induce when I hit 39 weeks which was January 27th, 2010. You may ask why we decided this... the 36 week ultrasound had shown she was over 7lbs, babies gain the most during the last few weeks. At 10lbs, my OB did a c-section because of the risk of delivering large babies. I really didn't want a c-section, so I opted to go early at 39 weeks. The ultrasound tech had said that she looked to be 9lbs 3 oz at 38 weeks. Within a week, she would probably hit 10. So, off we went to be induced.

I should have trusted my gut that it would not be that easy. I had seen all these shows that inducement doesn't work and I just knew that would be me.

So, off we went on January 27th at 6am filled with nerves and bursting with excitement. After 24hours of pitocin and cervidil, I was only dilated to 1cm. I felt defeated but scared they would send me home!
I was NOT leaving without a baby, they couldn't get me out of that bed if they tried. Thankfully, they didn't. After a long talk, my OB and I decided to do a c-section. I was ok with that. I had accepted it. He told me they would do it at 12pm. We decided at 8am - that was the longest 4 hours. I was so excited I could barely contain myself. I just wanted to hold her.

This picture was taken right before we went back to have my c-section. I was so nervous, so happy. Robert was shaking like a leaf. They took me back and got me prepped. I was so nervous. Robert was brought in and stood beside my head.

Before they took her out, they asked Robert to stand up if he had the stomach to do so. He stood up with his hand on my head - it was shaking. It was painful - pressure is pain. I had no idea a c-section hurt, but it did.

Then I heard it - her scream. The best sound I had ever heard. They said that she was big and I made a good decision to have a c-section and that she had a full head of black hair, along with big feet haha.
They showed me her and took her over to be cleaned up. Robert went over, as they began to clean me up. I remember my doctor asking Robert what he thought and I could tell he was crying from his voice - he said "she is beautiful" and that she is.
Caelyn was born on January 28th, 2010 at 12:36pm. She was 9lbs 3oz and 21 inches of pure perfection. She is a blessing.
After they took her to the nursery, Robert went with her and I had to be put back together haha. They gave me loopy medication, or so I call it. Time flew fast, I wasn't upset that I didn't have her with me. I felt relaxed because I knew she was ok, healthy, with her dad. They wheeled me into recovery at 1:20 and I had to wait til 2:20 for her to come in. This was the longest hour of my life. I watched that clock, but I was still in and out.
Then, they called and said she could come in. I heard the wheels on the floor coming down the hallway. Robert wheeled the cart into the room. He picked her up and handed her to me, he was completely silent. He was crying. (I am crying as I remember it) He just put his head against me and let out this huge breath.
I loved her when I had heard her cry, but I swear my heart almost burst when I saw her. That little face was perfect. At that moment, I knew I would do anything for this little person. She was perfect.

This is when I first got to hold her.

I love this photo. He is such a proud father. When he was in the nursery, my family still tells me about it to this day - they said the entire time he stood the touching her everywhere - her toes, fingers, face everything. They said he kissed her everywhere - I have pictures my aunt to prove it. I wish I could have seen that. The excitement he must have felt I missed, but I am ok with that. It was his time with her. They wanted to see her better, so he picked her up and moved her around - they said he looked like a pro, little did they know that he had never held a newborn before.
The whole time in the hospital my family was almost always there. It was great. She got to meet so many of her family members.
It was a time I will never forget - it was the start of MY little family.

We stayed in the hospital until Saturday morning. I had to because of the c-section. It gave me extra sleep time so I was ok with it. Saturday morning I was bursting with excitement. We went home and we started our adventures as parents. It was amazing.
Our lives as parents has been an adventure already and I can't wait to see what God has in store for us.

Over 11 weeks have passed since this time in our life but I will never forget it.

This is my little now - taken on April 15th.

Our Love Story

If you've been reading my blog, you know that my boyfriend's name is Robert and that are have a beautiful baby girl together we named Caelyn. I love when I read blogs and I find their "love story" you know how they met and fell in love. There is something about reading those stories that make me smile. I love love - it seriously is what makes our world better. Love brings hope and happiness.

I wanted to tell you all about Robert and I's "love story." Its nothing that could fill a romance novel, but it is my favorite romance story, that is for sure. It begins like this...

Robert and I knew who each other were for awhile prior to dating. His friend lived a few doors down from me and I used to go over and watch the boys BMX. He was usually there, but we never talked. In fact, I dated that friend that lived a few doors down, but only for awhile.

We entered our sophomore year of high school and something terrible, and I mean terrible, happened - Robert's mother passed away. She died of an aneurysm on her way to work. I remember being sick and staying home from school. I hadn't known Robert too well, but my heart bled for him. I had planned to go to his mother's funeral, but since I was throwing up, my plans fell through. I remember feeling terrible.

Months went by and our lockers were near each other. I remember always seeing him after school looking so sad. Robert is quiet anyway and I know the death of his mother impacted him hard. I would look sad also. Me being me, I realized, well I thought, he needed someone to talk to. So, after school I would look for him and start to talk to him. I am sure he thought I was nuts, but that was ok. We would walk out of school together and go our separate ways.

I don't remember exactly how it happened, but we began to pass notes - oh the joys of high school! - Side note, my man still has those notes, talk about a sap haha. thats only another reason I love him.

On April 8th, 2005 I became his girlfriend which happened to be my dad's birthday.

Things moved fast for us. He spent most days at my house almost all day. My mom tells me she felt like she adopted another child, her food bill even went up. I loved it. He would come over right after school and leave around 9pm. I just loved it.

We dated for a year and then I broke up with him. Why? I honestly have no idea - I was a silly high school student. We parted and dated other people. I still loved Robert. I was always sick with jealousy at the idea of him caring for another girl like he had with me. We dated on and off until September of 2008. During the time between March 06 and September 08 we always kept in contact.

I had broke up with another boyfriend in August, thank god, and Robert and I were talking as friends as we had for months. We started to hang out, we didn't date until April of 2009. We both saw other people for awhile, but he was always in my mind - why did I not realize that he was who I wanted to be with? I like to think I know better than my heart. In April we became a couple again. At the end of May I discovered I was pregnant. We had a few rough months mostly because I had a hard time adjusting to the idea of being a mother. I had always wanted to be a mother, but not so soon. Once I came to terms with it, things moved fast for us.

In November, we moved into our apartment. We spent our first Christmas together in our little home. January 28th, 2010 we welcomed our beautiful baby girl (which will be a whole other post for another day).

I look back and wonder why we didn't stay together all those years. I think that it was best we didn't - I don't know if we would be together now if we had. I think it was time for us to grow into the people we are today. I learned many things from the other relationships, as he did too. I learned who I am.

Now? Well I can say that I love him and I don't want to be with any other man. I have been criticized because I am not married and we have a child. I tell those people to screw themselves, to put it nicely for readers. We are planning to get married, hopefully in two years after I graduate with my degree to be a high school teacher. Engagement? Well, that is up to him. We were at the mall today and he asked for me to go find out my ring size at a jewelry store, so we did. That must be a good sign, lets hope.

So, that is our tiny love story. Its complicated filled honestly with tears and confusion. I no longer am confused - I am in love. I know he reads this so, I love you Robert. I am so glad you are the father of my child.

Project 52: Battle of the Sexes

So, date number 2 for Robert and I. I had to pick this time and I wanted to play some kind of game. I hit up Wal-Mart trying to stick to spending as small amount of money as I could. We don't want to spend much on these dates. I looked at board games and I couldn't justify spending 15-20 on a board game we won't play very often. Then I saw game cards. They had monopoly, scrabble, a lot of others, and battle of the sexes. So I grab those up for $5. Holla!

It wasn't the most exciting date in the world - we sat on the couch and played for about 45 minutes. Yours truly won 2 out of 3 games. Sooo many of those questions I had no idea! It was funny.
Afterwards, we had some major cuddle time along with being a little bit nostalgic. Robert and I have been together on and off since April 8th, 2005. We have had so many good memories together and we both love to think back to those moments.
I'm really beginning to love Project 52. Its hard to know when Robert is home in time for us to do this. But, when we do have the time, I love it - maybe because I'm crazy in love with my man!

If you and your significant other want to join up with Project 52, go check out Simply Modern Mom!

Part-Time Single Mom

Well, until late Wednesday night/early Thursday morning, I'm talking 4-5am, Robert is gone working. Boo. Granted, we always need money and he will be making a nice chunk, it is hard to have him gone. I miss him and even though I know she is too young, I think that Caelyn misses her daddy too.

Tuesdays I don't have classes, so my day is full of Caelyn and housework.
Monday and Wednesdays are another story. Let me explain what my Wednesdays (with Robert gone) are like:

8am: wake up, get myself ready, eat breakfast etc.
8:45: feed Caelyn, get her ready, pack diaper bag.
9:30: Drop her off at my parents - spend about 5 minutes explaining how to make a bottle (my dad can NEVER remember)
10-10:50: Psychology class
11 - 11:40: hang out with my Dad and Caelyn
11:45: go back to class
12 - 2: two different classes each an hour long
2: Pick up Caelyn, go home and spend the next few hours making dinner, studying, giving bottles, whatever needs done.
5:40: Drop her off again at my Parents
6 - 8:40: my history night class
8:45: pick her up - bath, bedtime story, bottle, and bed for her.

Sometimes those days I feel like my day never ends because after her bed time it is time to wash dishes, take a shower, do laundry, and do homework! Mondays are easier - I am done with classes today at 2pm.
I feel like I never get anything done these days although I only stop to read some blogs and update mine, which I love doing.

I give kuddos to all single mommas out there! My mom did it for about a year and a half in the beginning with me - I think she is superwoman for that. Just having 3 days without Robert stresses me out. He is an extra pair of hands, a warm hug, playmate with Caelyn, and bottle washer!

Project 52: Wii Date

Previously I mentioned that Robert and I pledged Project 52. Until tonight, we had yet to have a date or have time to do so. I'm soooo glad that we did tonight!

Our date was super simple, but well needed after we both had a hard day working! For christmas, we had bought the wii for each other along with other things but I had yet to play it since Caelyn was born. Tonight was our night! I really believe that having fun together is one of the most important aspect to keeping a relationship together.

We spent an hour playing the wii - we played the Price is Right and Wii Sports. Okkkkk, so I got my butt kicked in tennis and in boxing, but I won bowling AND baseball. Go me!
My right arm is aching but it was sooo worth it!
I love Robert and I love spending time with him. It gives me time to remember why I fell in love with him to begin with.

If you have yet to hear about Project 52, check it out here at Simple Modern Mom!

Project 52

while searching through blogs, I came across Simply Modern Mom. I really enjoyed reading her site. While looking through her blogs, I started to read about Project 52. I was like, what is this? Sooooo, I read about it. You can also read about it here.
Project 52 consists of once a week planning a "date night" with your significant other. These date nights generally take place right in your home! I instantly loved this idea.
Robert and I just had a baby 9 weeks ago. Because of this, OUR time has been limited. We barely have any time for us a couple. We sometimes go out because my parents are awesome and they love to watch Caelyn. In fact, sometimes they call and ask if they can watch her! But, we definitely can benefit from more time as a couple. I have known this but I don't want to constantly send Caelyn to my parents house. With this idea, I don't have to worry about it because the majority of our dates will take place in our home!
I pledged Project 52 and came up with a few criteria for our dates:

• once a week, whenever we have at least an hour to ourselves - generally when Caelyn is down for a long nap. We can't pick a day because his work schedule is random.
• we will each plan out the dates alternating
• NO CELL PHONES!
• Caelyn isn't allowed to be there! - aka she is in bed
• We have to be kind to each other

I really think this is a great idea for any couple!

So, why don't YOU go on over and look at Project 52! Maybe it is something you can do too!