Our Wedding Day!

Things have been crazy in our home lately and for a great reason. On November 6th, we got married! Yes, voting day! Since then, our lives have been hectic with so many little things going on.

 

I wanted to share a few photos from our day. It was a great day. It was simple, small, and stressfree - three really great S words! We had the ceremony at our church with about 30 of our close family. Afterwards, we went to my family's restaurant, then home! My mom kept Caelyn and Andrew and I went out for a few drinks while his mother sat with Brayden. No fancy wedding night for us. He is too young for me to leave comfortably. We might take a little weekend (well it'd be a week day with his work schedule!) trip in the summer/fall of 2013 - I'm thinking NYC!

 

 

The day was great. Here are a few of my favorite photos. My mother's friend took our photos. We didn't want anything fancy - just enough to remember the day and a few to develop. 

 

 Lighting our unity candle - we had a good laugh because he asked what song we wanted to play and since we didn't have a first dance, we picked our song - Far Away by Nickelback. It actually ended up fitting wel for us.

 I just love this photo - I caption it as - a couple that prays together stays together.

 We keep Christ as the center of our household. I love this photo!

 Us with Brayden - he looks so big in this photo! He had just turned 4 months!

 There is always one person that isn't looking!

 Apparently, Brayden thinks the lights are a lot more exciting than photo taking.

 Bretton, my little sister, and I - I really do love her, I swear!

 My new in-laws: I really like how my mother in law grabbed my hand. I find some really deep symbolism behind it.

 My wild child, my princess, the person who changed my life almost 3 years ago. This little girl means more to me than I could ever describe. I love this picture, despite her little fishy face.

Me and my dress.

 

My dress.. well my mother, sister, and I went dress shopping. We had 3 weeks til the wedding,so whatever we bought had to not need any alterations and needed to fit well.

 

I tried on a bunch of dresses. Dress shopping is STRESSFUL!

Finally, I searched the racks myself instead of the attendant helping me. I found a dress that had been marked down to $199 from $650. I was trying to keep it as cheap as I could for my mother. So, I was like what the heck thats a deep discount, I'll try it on.

What do you know, I LOVED it and my mother and sister LOVED it. It fit like a glove. Perfection. It also had an extra $50 off making it $150. We added a very simple $20 veil and $30 shoes.
My mother was more than pleased with the price tag of my wedding attire :)

 

I am very happy to be married. I am happy that I am legally Bethany Hayes. I am happy that we are an offical family. Many wonderful blessings will come after this. I know our journey is just beginning! 

Another Month Has Gone By

I last posted on February 4th; time has flown since that day. Adding a school, a baby, sorority, work, tutoring 2 days a week, and a house to take care of makes for a busy mom, but nothing that I can't handle.

I have been thinking about this post because it is going to be hard to type out. I want to talk and straighten out my feelings, but not tell much of my personal life to the blogging world either.
Robert and I are having issues. Yes, we just got engaged on Christmas and there are issues already. But, the issues were there a year ago right when she was born, but they finally escalated and almost literally erupted.
Robert has a major problem with his anger; he has been unable to control his anger and his yelling. For a year, I have been getting yelled at for the littlest thing and despite my insistent begging for changes. As she got more active, the yelling also turned to her and that started another issue. Yelling at a young child is not something that I think is right. Nothing I could do could make him stop.
Except, two weeks ago, threatening to leave.
Now, lets stop and rewind. There is the anger issues. I feel as if I was being almost verbally abused, not to the total extent of how bad it could be, but it was bad enough for me to feel that way. The last two weeks I have seen a major change in him. But, it may be too late.
A change should not have had to come from me screaming and exploding and threatening to leave. Every couple fights and has issues, but I think that a hallmark of a strong and great couple is a couple that has issues, but listens to one another and works the issues out. Unfortunately, I never received much of either.
The first year of her life, I received little help in her care. The care was sporadic, like if I was working, and often time me asking for help was the catalyst for a fight.

Now. You can see why I have exploded. I held it in for long enough, but he KNEW that there was problems. Now, onto my problems. I have no idea how to get over the resentment that I feel towards him because of this all. I don't know if I can move pass it; it was a year of my life. I resent feeling how I feel, not having any help, and feeling alone when I was not.
Another bigger problem that I need to address: I am doing this all for Caelyn. My dad tells me that couples all of the time do it all for their kids and are happy, but I may not be one that can do so. When we got back together when I was pregnant (we split for about 2 months), I did so because I do care for him but I also really wanted to see if it could work for her. When we moved in, he did it for the right reasons (but he also needed out of his dad's house), I did it because I felt like it was the right thing for her. It turned out to be right for me as a person because I was really able to figure out who I am. I wanted to get married because it was right for her, in my eyes. This is not to say that I do not love him, because I totally do. But, it is time for me to do what is right for me, not for her and hopefully, whatever it is right for me, is right for her as well.

I don't want Caelyn growing up in a house with two parents who are not meant to be together; I want her to see her parents wild in love. I know that we can try to make this work and we may succeed, but we may not as well. I have no idea how to let go of my resentment. I don't know if we can make this relationship about us, not about her.
I am worried and scared. I am trying to be strong because I need to be, for myself and for her. Whatever happens, it will be what is best for me and I know that whatever ends up making me happy, will make her happy as well.

New Beginnings

I feel better already on this medication.. Not everything has changed.. I still get irritated/upset/down for no reason and snap or lash out.. but not as bad lately. I am thankful for that.
for the rest time in awhile i feel optimistic about the future.. my own future and the future of my relationship.
last night i was bathing Caelyn.. usually Robert does when he is home.. and i looked at her, splashing around smiling and squealing.. she looks just like her daddy especially when she is serious. i simply looked at her and told her i wont give up and she will always have a mommy and daddy together - and i meant it.
i feel like its a new beginning already.. i am glad i went to the doctors and glad i knew something wasnt right.

What They Never Tell You

I read ALL the baby books I could get on hand. I love to read, well I did before I became a mother. Now...reading feel likes a distant memory, but I would like to find a way to go back to it. Anyway. They tell you that your relationship with your significant other will change, that having a baby will change everything, but I feel like that doesn't even begin to touch the surface!

I'm not ashamed in anyway to tell you that Robert and I have been having issues, but I hope that they will be fixed. I believe that I have some form of PPD that is effecting me badly. I never ever in a million years thought that I would be saying that.. because well.. you know I would be the one person that doesn't get it, right?! I feel bad because I am super irritated lately. I snap at the drop of a hat and it generally is directed at Robert. I have days that I am sad. I cry all day long and I just have no idea what is wrong with me. I have lost interest in mostly everything.. even in blogging, which I loved so much.. now I still love it.. but I wish I didn't need to take care of it.. that it would magically pop out of my brain onto a post.. haha.. I wish.. a sex life doesn't happen because I have zero interest. That part doesn't worry me..

It is the irritated/frustrated/upset/sad/crying part of me that does. Which is why I am going to the doctors. I just have to face that maybe something is wrong with me. I'm sure that I could get back on track, I know I can. I just don't want to let it get out of hand. I am going to see what the doctor tells me and.. we will see them.

That wasn't what I was going to talk about though.. With all of the stress of parenthood.. relationships tend to fall. I can tell that him and I are slipping, but how do I pick it back up again? I know that hopefully.. once I get over whatever is wrong with that.. that might help. I feel bad when I snap.. but idk it happens without me thinking of it.
Also.. I have realized that in order to be happy and make Robert and I work.. I need to be personally happy. So, I am trying to find new things that I like. My mother's day present was a sewing machine!! I'm learning how to sew.. I make cloth wipes.. I have plans to make felt food, bibs, pillow cases.. OMG, so much! I have taught myself to make wool dryer balls. I guess I am trying to find a new hobby. I need to be happy with myself before I can in anyway make another person happy.
Books can never describe to you how you lose yourself when you have a baby. You forget what YOU are all about; all that suddenly matters is what this little person needs. I have forgotten who I am. Books never can explain how relationships take a toll from having a baby. I always say... from the time I wake up til the time Caelyn goes to sleep.. I am on the clock as Mommy.. when she goes down for the night (she is STTN!!!!!), I clock out for the evening.. and then I have to clock back in as girlfriend. When can I clock out and just be off?! I am trying to juggle many "hats" and it is really something I struggle with. When I focus solely on the baby, well I drop our relationship ball and also my own ball. When I am juggling baby and relationship, I tend to drop my own ball. When I am in school.. I throw in another ball.. and the days I work I throw in a waitress ball... Suddenly, I'm juggling 5 balls and I WILL drop at least one. I'm just not good at juggling. Do you like my explanation?! haha

Anyway.. I know that sooner or later.. things will work out the way God plans for them to be. I trust that. And no matter what... I will try to keep my head up! I can do this!

Our Love Story

If you've been reading my blog, you know that my boyfriend's name is Robert and that are have a beautiful baby girl together we named Caelyn. I love when I read blogs and I find their "love story" you know how they met and fell in love. There is something about reading those stories that make me smile. I love love - it seriously is what makes our world better. Love brings hope and happiness.

I wanted to tell you all about Robert and I's "love story." Its nothing that could fill a romance novel, but it is my favorite romance story, that is for sure. It begins like this...

Robert and I knew who each other were for awhile prior to dating. His friend lived a few doors down from me and I used to go over and watch the boys BMX. He was usually there, but we never talked. In fact, I dated that friend that lived a few doors down, but only for awhile.

We entered our sophomore year of high school and something terrible, and I mean terrible, happened - Robert's mother passed away. She died of an aneurysm on her way to work. I remember being sick and staying home from school. I hadn't known Robert too well, but my heart bled for him. I had planned to go to his mother's funeral, but since I was throwing up, my plans fell through. I remember feeling terrible.

Months went by and our lockers were near each other. I remember always seeing him after school looking so sad. Robert is quiet anyway and I know the death of his mother impacted him hard. I would look sad also. Me being me, I realized, well I thought, he needed someone to talk to. So, after school I would look for him and start to talk to him. I am sure he thought I was nuts, but that was ok. We would walk out of school together and go our separate ways.

I don't remember exactly how it happened, but we began to pass notes - oh the joys of high school! - Side note, my man still has those notes, talk about a sap haha. thats only another reason I love him.

On April 8th, 2005 I became his girlfriend which happened to be my dad's birthday.

Things moved fast for us. He spent most days at my house almost all day. My mom tells me she felt like she adopted another child, her food bill even went up. I loved it. He would come over right after school and leave around 9pm. I just loved it.

We dated for a year and then I broke up with him. Why? I honestly have no idea - I was a silly high school student. We parted and dated other people. I still loved Robert. I was always sick with jealousy at the idea of him caring for another girl like he had with me. We dated on and off until September of 2008. During the time between March 06 and September 08 we always kept in contact.

I had broke up with another boyfriend in August, thank god, and Robert and I were talking as friends as we had for months. We started to hang out, we didn't date until April of 2009. We both saw other people for awhile, but he was always in my mind - why did I not realize that he was who I wanted to be with? I like to think I know better than my heart. In April we became a couple again. At the end of May I discovered I was pregnant. We had a few rough months mostly because I had a hard time adjusting to the idea of being a mother. I had always wanted to be a mother, but not so soon. Once I came to terms with it, things moved fast for us.

In November, we moved into our apartment. We spent our first Christmas together in our little home. January 28th, 2010 we welcomed our beautiful baby girl (which will be a whole other post for another day).

I look back and wonder why we didn't stay together all those years. I think that it was best we didn't - I don't know if we would be together now if we had. I think it was time for us to grow into the people we are today. I learned many things from the other relationships, as he did too. I learned who I am.

Now? Well I can say that I love him and I don't want to be with any other man. I have been criticized because I am not married and we have a child. I tell those people to screw themselves, to put it nicely for readers. We are planning to get married, hopefully in two years after I graduate with my degree to be a high school teacher. Engagement? Well, that is up to him. We were at the mall today and he asked for me to go find out my ring size at a jewelry store, so we did. That must be a good sign, lets hope.

So, that is our tiny love story. Its complicated filled honestly with tears and confusion. I no longer am confused - I am in love. I know he reads this so, I love you Robert. I am so glad you are the father of my child.

Project 52: Battle of the Sexes

So, date number 2 for Robert and I. I had to pick this time and I wanted to play some kind of game. I hit up Wal-Mart trying to stick to spending as small amount of money as I could. We don't want to spend much on these dates. I looked at board games and I couldn't justify spending 15-20 on a board game we won't play very often. Then I saw game cards. They had monopoly, scrabble, a lot of others, and battle of the sexes. So I grab those up for $5. Holla!

It wasn't the most exciting date in the world - we sat on the couch and played for about 45 minutes. Yours truly won 2 out of 3 games. Sooo many of those questions I had no idea! It was funny.
Afterwards, we had some major cuddle time along with being a little bit nostalgic. Robert and I have been together on and off since April 8th, 2005. We have had so many good memories together and we both love to think back to those moments.
I'm really beginning to love Project 52. Its hard to know when Robert is home in time for us to do this. But, when we do have the time, I love it - maybe because I'm crazy in love with my man!

If you and your significant other want to join up with Project 52, go check out Simply Modern Mom!

Project 52: Wii Date

Previously I mentioned that Robert and I pledged Project 52. Until tonight, we had yet to have a date or have time to do so. I'm soooo glad that we did tonight!

Our date was super simple, but well needed after we both had a hard day working! For christmas, we had bought the wii for each other along with other things but I had yet to play it since Caelyn was born. Tonight was our night! I really believe that having fun together is one of the most important aspect to keeping a relationship together.

We spent an hour playing the wii - we played the Price is Right and Wii Sports. Okkkkk, so I got my butt kicked in tennis and in boxing, but I won bowling AND baseball. Go me!
My right arm is aching but it was sooo worth it!
I love Robert and I love spending time with him. It gives me time to remember why I fell in love with him to begin with.

If you have yet to hear about Project 52, check it out here at Simple Modern Mom!

Project 52

while searching through blogs, I came across Simply Modern Mom. I really enjoyed reading her site. While looking through her blogs, I started to read about Project 52. I was like, what is this? Sooooo, I read about it. You can also read about it here.
Project 52 consists of once a week planning a "date night" with your significant other. These date nights generally take place right in your home! I instantly loved this idea.
Robert and I just had a baby 9 weeks ago. Because of this, OUR time has been limited. We barely have any time for us a couple. We sometimes go out because my parents are awesome and they love to watch Caelyn. In fact, sometimes they call and ask if they can watch her! But, we definitely can benefit from more time as a couple. I have known this but I don't want to constantly send Caelyn to my parents house. With this idea, I don't have to worry about it because the majority of our dates will take place in our home!
I pledged Project 52 and came up with a few criteria for our dates:

• once a week, whenever we have at least an hour to ourselves - generally when Caelyn is down for a long nap. We can't pick a day because his work schedule is random.
• we will each plan out the dates alternating
• NO CELL PHONES!
• Caelyn isn't allowed to be there! - aka she is in bed
• We have to be kind to each other

I really think this is a great idea for any couple!

So, why don't YOU go on over and look at Project 52! Maybe it is something you can do too!