Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Another Month Has Gone By

I last posted on February 4th; time has flown since that day. Adding a school, a baby, sorority, work, tutoring 2 days a week, and a house to take care of makes for a busy mom, but nothing that I can't handle.

I have been thinking about this post because it is going to be hard to type out. I want to talk and straighten out my feelings, but not tell much of my personal life to the blogging world either.
Robert and I are having issues. Yes, we just got engaged on Christmas and there are issues already. But, the issues were there a year ago right when she was born, but they finally escalated and almost literally erupted.
Robert has a major problem with his anger; he has been unable to control his anger and his yelling. For a year, I have been getting yelled at for the littlest thing and despite my insistent begging for changes. As she got more active, the yelling also turned to her and that started another issue. Yelling at a young child is not something that I think is right. Nothing I could do could make him stop.
Except, two weeks ago, threatening to leave.
Now, lets stop and rewind. There is the anger issues. I feel as if I was being almost verbally abused, not to the total extent of how bad it could be, but it was bad enough for me to feel that way. The last two weeks I have seen a major change in him. But, it may be too late.
A change should not have had to come from me screaming and exploding and threatening to leave. Every couple fights and has issues, but I think that a hallmark of a strong and great couple is a couple that has issues, but listens to one another and works the issues out. Unfortunately, I never received much of either.
The first year of her life, I received little help in her care. The care was sporadic, like if I was working, and often time me asking for help was the catalyst for a fight.

Now. You can see why I have exploded. I held it in for long enough, but he KNEW that there was problems. Now, onto my problems. I have no idea how to get over the resentment that I feel towards him because of this all. I don't know if I can move pass it; it was a year of my life. I resent feeling how I feel, not having any help, and feeling alone when I was not.
Another bigger problem that I need to address: I am doing this all for Caelyn. My dad tells me that couples all of the time do it all for their kids and are happy, but I may not be one that can do so. When we got back together when I was pregnant (we split for about 2 months), I did so because I do care for him but I also really wanted to see if it could work for her. When we moved in, he did it for the right reasons (but he also needed out of his dad's house), I did it because I felt like it was the right thing for her. It turned out to be right for me as a person because I was really able to figure out who I am. I wanted to get married because it was right for her, in my eyes. This is not to say that I do not love him, because I totally do. But, it is time for me to do what is right for me, not for her and hopefully, whatever it is right for me, is right for her as well.

I don't want Caelyn growing up in a house with two parents who are not meant to be together; I want her to see her parents wild in love. I know that we can try to make this work and we may succeed, but we may not as well. I have no idea how to let go of my resentment. I don't know if we can make this relationship about us, not about her.
I am worried and scared. I am trying to be strong because I need to be, for myself and for her. Whatever happens, it will be what is best for me and I know that whatever ends up making me happy, will make her happy as well.

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