Well, my buddy, my baby (my first baby), Sara, is gone. I have never experienced something like this before; it was gut-wrenching.
My mother and I went together. I am glad that I went, so is my mother. She crumbled more than I did but, I think that I mourned so much yesterday that I was almost out of tears. I was numb but also, I had prayed to God to give me strength and He most definitely did so. I was strong for my mother who was sobbing uncontrollably.
The drive out there was... bleak. We knew what was going to happen. She didn't really want to go in the building.
The vet did give us the peace of mind that she was not well or healthy and looked very sick. My mother was so worried that it wasn't her time yet and that we were not meant to put her down. He gave us the option to be with her or for them to do it and bring her back to us. I chose to stay with her. I didn't want her to be scared and if someone I didn't know led me away with my family crying behind me, I knew I would be scared. So, they sedated her.
She let out the biggest yawn I've ever seen and it was almost like she was saying.. I'm tired and it is time. Once she was sedated, the doctor told us that within 10 heartbeats she would be gone. He gave her the shot and within maybe 2-3 seconds, she was gone. She looked so peaceful. My mom bawled and kept saying "it'll be ok baby" "I'm sorry baby." She loves Sara as much as I do. We hugged and kissed her and left.
The vet had said that sometimes they twitch afterwards and I knew neither of us could stay to see that.
We hugged in the office.
We left together and cried on the way home.
But, I know it was the right thing to do. I believe she was in pain and now, she is in Heaven - because I believe God brings His animals there too - with the other dogs that our family as a whole has lost, chasing rabbits and cats. She is no longer in pain; her legs are no longer weak and she can run again. That dog could run like the wind beside a driving car.
It was a rough day with tears..
The worse part?
Today, July 13th, is my parents anniversary. What a thing to have to do on a couple's anniversary.
To my parents - you are an inspiration to me. Your strength together as a couple inspires me to have a marriage with Robert like yours. In a day and age with couples divorce within a few years, you still kiss goodbye and say I love you. I hope to see you two twenty years from now still kissing goodbye. I love you both.
Showing posts with label Loss. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Loss. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Monday, July 12, 2010
You Will be Missed
Tomorrow is going to be a dreadful day. We are putting my dog down. Sara has been around since I was 7, back in 1996. She is 15 years old now.
Things have been bad for her and we all knew it. She has had trouble walking, standing, laying down.. She can't go up the stairs any more because she falls. She has lost a lot of control over her bladder and bowel movements, to the frustration of my mother. I just feel like she is suffering. We can tell she isn't eating as much anymore. You can basically see her spine. Her hips are so thin. I remember when we worried that she was too fat!! Now, we worry she is too thin and not eating
It breaks my heart to know that this time tomorrow, Sara will be gone.
She will be in doggy heaven, hopefully being able to chase after rabbits.
I have a lot of memories with Sara and I want to share a few:
My grandpa got Sara from a kennel in WV and was my present after a terrible bike accident that resulted in plastic surgery for me. I remember the day I got her, she came in my bedroom with my grandparents and I thought she was a pitbull! She came with my aunt's dog so I thought she was my aunt's friend's dog but nope, she was mine!
When she was little, she would crawl under my bed and eat little pieces of my barbie doll stuff and littlest pet shop. Not a great thing when it was happening, but now I look back and smile..
She used to sleep with me every night. My mom said she would come in the room and I was basically spooning with her and we had the covers up to our necks. All she woud see is Sara's head.
I think one of the funniest, yet gross things... One night I came home and like always, Sara had ran away. Sara is an escape artist. Anyway, she is on the sidewalk by our porch so I walk up the stairs and towards the porch and see something in her mouth. She had a dead rabbit in her mouth, she was bouncing, pancing and wagging her tail - so proud of herself and wanting to bring it inside!! I freaked out and called my mom on the phone to make her come home.
And, to top it off, there was no blood on the poor little rabbit, rest its soul.. Sara is very gentle with the creatures she befriends. She just wants to play so she throws them in the air and tries to catch them or lets them drop. She broke its neck! But, she did it trying to be nice!
She has done this to many unsuspecting creatures who she tried to befriend.
She has always been a trashdigger! She still is! We think she is blind, almost, but she can find that trash can and take everything out!
She is also a hole digger. When we got our middle dog (we have 3) Addy, she was a baby.. One day, I look outside. They both were in the yard and Sara was digging. Addy was watching her closely. 10 minutes later, I look outside and they are digging together! That darn dog taught her how to dig!
I have so many good memories with her and I think tonight I am going to focus on my funny memories of my friend, my loyal companion. I am glad that Caelyn got to meet her even though she won't remember it. I am glad Sara got to see Caelyn. It is amazing how these creatures become more than an animal; they become a part, a beloved part, of our family. She will be missed.
Tonight, my mom took her for a walk, as long as Sara was able to walk. She ate all kinds of yummy things and we made a clay imprint of her paw to frame. It was a nice last night for a wonderful dog.
I pray that I have strength tomorrow to be strong for her. I know that dogs are so intune with humans and I know that if I am upset, stressed, etc she will pick up and feel the same. I want her to be relaxed and peaceful. Ugh. I am going to go sob for awhile!
Things have been bad for her and we all knew it. She has had trouble walking, standing, laying down.. She can't go up the stairs any more because she falls. She has lost a lot of control over her bladder and bowel movements, to the frustration of my mother. I just feel like she is suffering. We can tell she isn't eating as much anymore. You can basically see her spine. Her hips are so thin. I remember when we worried that she was too fat!! Now, we worry she is too thin and not eating
It breaks my heart to know that this time tomorrow, Sara will be gone.
She will be in doggy heaven, hopefully being able to chase after rabbits.
I have a lot of memories with Sara and I want to share a few:
My grandpa got Sara from a kennel in WV and was my present after a terrible bike accident that resulted in plastic surgery for me. I remember the day I got her, she came in my bedroom with my grandparents and I thought she was a pitbull! She came with my aunt's dog so I thought she was my aunt's friend's dog but nope, she was mine!
When she was little, she would crawl under my bed and eat little pieces of my barbie doll stuff and littlest pet shop. Not a great thing when it was happening, but now I look back and smile..
She used to sleep with me every night. My mom said she would come in the room and I was basically spooning with her and we had the covers up to our necks. All she woud see is Sara's head.
I think one of the funniest, yet gross things... One night I came home and like always, Sara had ran away. Sara is an escape artist. Anyway, she is on the sidewalk by our porch so I walk up the stairs and towards the porch and see something in her mouth. She had a dead rabbit in her mouth, she was bouncing, pancing and wagging her tail - so proud of herself and wanting to bring it inside!! I freaked out and called my mom on the phone to make her come home.
And, to top it off, there was no blood on the poor little rabbit, rest its soul.. Sara is very gentle with the creatures she befriends. She just wants to play so she throws them in the air and tries to catch them or lets them drop. She broke its neck! But, she did it trying to be nice!
She has done this to many unsuspecting creatures who she tried to befriend.
She has always been a trashdigger! She still is! We think she is blind, almost, but she can find that trash can and take everything out!
She is also a hole digger. When we got our middle dog (we have 3) Addy, she was a baby.. One day, I look outside. They both were in the yard and Sara was digging. Addy was watching her closely. 10 minutes later, I look outside and they are digging together! That darn dog taught her how to dig!
I have so many good memories with her and I think tonight I am going to focus on my funny memories of my friend, my loyal companion. I am glad that Caelyn got to meet her even though she won't remember it. I am glad Sara got to see Caelyn. It is amazing how these creatures become more than an animal; they become a part, a beloved part, of our family. She will be missed.
Tonight, my mom took her for a walk, as long as Sara was able to walk. She ate all kinds of yummy things and we made a clay imprint of her paw to frame. It was a nice last night for a wonderful dog.
I pray that I have strength tomorrow to be strong for her. I know that dogs are so intune with humans and I know that if I am upset, stressed, etc she will pick up and feel the same. I want her to be relaxed and peaceful. Ugh. I am going to go sob for awhile!
Friday, April 9, 2010
Wishes and Missing
2 years ago today (April 9th, I know this will post on the 10th but I'm still in Friday mode) my cousin Justin died. I do miss you, I know you know this.
Going into work almost always makes me think of you. You always made me laugh - except when you were mad because of something or another. You always were so attentive - if I would do my makeup or my hair, you noticed and told me. Not many men do this. You were so funny and always made me laugh. And caring.. you listened to me. I remember the last time I saw you, the last day we worked today (jsyk, justin was one of the owners of the restaurant i work at - its a family owned business). I remember you were not in the best of moods, there is alot that I wish I would have said to you then. I remember my mother calling me that night to tell me that you had passed away while taking a walk in your backyard with Vicki and the dogs. I cried and cried. That night was very difficult - especially with the breakdown my grandma - it is a night i never want to relive. Justy, we all miss you - i wish you could have met Caelyn, boy I know you would adore her. I know you look down on us, so just know we still all think of you.
On a brighter, but not much brighter note, I worked tonight. I wasn't supposed to, a friend needed a favor and needed the night off so I helped out. Money wise, I did not regret the decision. Mommy wise, I do. I feel like today I missed out on spending time with my baby. When I was with her, she was just so happy to see me. it broke my heart when i had to leave her to go to class, then dropping her off with my mother and tonight she basically refused to sleep, she wanted to play and look at me. I am sorry baby. It makes Momma sad too.
I am lucky that I don't have to work everyday - Robert does so that I don't have to. I work to pay my credit card bills which are not a lot, my car payment even though Robert would pay it and whatever else I want to buy like decorations for the house and stuff for Caelyn. If I didn't want to work, I'm sure we could figure it out, but I do not want to put more stress on Robert, so I work.
Tomorrow I work at night and I know I won't be home until around 10-11pm. She will be asleep. I am glad my grandma is coming to watch her here. If she has to be babysat, I like for it to be here so she is in her own home. I wish I could stay at home all of the time. I just hope one day, possibly when the next baby comes years down the line, I can be a stay at home mom. I just am thankful I generally am only gone 3 hours a day on monday and friday, 6 all together on wednesday, and usually i work 2 days a weekend, shifts that are 5hrs or so. This weekend it is 3 days.
I hope one day I am blessed with the opportunity to be a stay at home momma.
Going into work almost always makes me think of you. You always made me laugh - except when you were mad because of something or another. You always were so attentive - if I would do my makeup or my hair, you noticed and told me. Not many men do this. You were so funny and always made me laugh. And caring.. you listened to me. I remember the last time I saw you, the last day we worked today (jsyk, justin was one of the owners of the restaurant i work at - its a family owned business). I remember you were not in the best of moods, there is alot that I wish I would have said to you then. I remember my mother calling me that night to tell me that you had passed away while taking a walk in your backyard with Vicki and the dogs. I cried and cried. That night was very difficult - especially with the breakdown my grandma - it is a night i never want to relive. Justy, we all miss you - i wish you could have met Caelyn, boy I know you would adore her. I know you look down on us, so just know we still all think of you.
On a brighter, but not much brighter note, I worked tonight. I wasn't supposed to, a friend needed a favor and needed the night off so I helped out. Money wise, I did not regret the decision. Mommy wise, I do. I feel like today I missed out on spending time with my baby. When I was with her, she was just so happy to see me. it broke my heart when i had to leave her to go to class, then dropping her off with my mother and tonight she basically refused to sleep, she wanted to play and look at me. I am sorry baby. It makes Momma sad too.
I am lucky that I don't have to work everyday - Robert does so that I don't have to. I work to pay my credit card bills which are not a lot, my car payment even though Robert would pay it and whatever else I want to buy like decorations for the house and stuff for Caelyn. If I didn't want to work, I'm sure we could figure it out, but I do not want to put more stress on Robert, so I work.
Tomorrow I work at night and I know I won't be home until around 10-11pm. She will be asleep. I am glad my grandma is coming to watch her here. If she has to be babysat, I like for it to be here so she is in her own home. I wish I could stay at home all of the time. I just hope one day, possibly when the next baby comes years down the line, I can be a stay at home mom. I just am thankful I generally am only gone 3 hours a day on monday and friday, 6 all together on wednesday, and usually i work 2 days a weekend, shifts that are 5hrs or so. This weekend it is 3 days.
I hope one day I am blessed with the opportunity to be a stay at home momma.
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