Friday, April 9, 2010

Wishes and Missing

2 years ago today (April 9th, I know this will post on the 10th but I'm still in Friday mode) my cousin Justin died. I do miss you, I know you know this.
Going into work almost always makes me think of you. You always made me laugh - except when you were mad because of something or another. You always were so attentive - if I would do my makeup or my hair, you noticed and told me. Not many men do this. You were so funny and always made me laugh. And caring.. you listened to me. I remember the last time I saw you, the last day we worked today (jsyk, justin was one of the owners of the restaurant i work at - its a family owned business). I remember you were not in the best of moods, there is alot that I wish I would have said to you then. I remember my mother calling me that night to tell me that you had passed away while taking a walk in your backyard with Vicki and the dogs. I cried and cried. That night was very difficult - especially with the breakdown my grandma - it is a night i never want to relive. Justy, we all miss you - i wish you could have met Caelyn, boy I know you would adore her. I know you look down on us, so just know we still all think of you.

On a brighter, but not much brighter note, I worked tonight. I wasn't supposed to, a friend needed a favor and needed the night off so I helped out. Money wise, I did not regret the decision. Mommy wise, I do. I feel like today I missed out on spending time with my baby. When I was with her, she was just so happy to see me. it broke my heart when i had to leave her to go to class, then dropping her off with my mother and tonight she basically refused to sleep, she wanted to play and look at me. I am sorry baby. It makes Momma sad too.
I am lucky that I don't have to work everyday - Robert does so that I don't have to. I work to pay my credit card bills which are not a lot, my car payment even though Robert would pay it and whatever else I want to buy like decorations for the house and stuff for Caelyn. If I didn't want to work, I'm sure we could figure it out, but I do not want to put more stress on Robert, so I work.
Tomorrow I work at night and I know I won't be home until around 10-11pm. She will be asleep. I am glad my grandma is coming to watch her here. If she has to be babysat, I like for it to be here so she is in her own home. I wish I could stay at home all of the time. I just hope one day, possibly when the next baby comes years down the line, I can be a stay at home mom. I just am thankful I generally am only gone 3 hours a day on monday and friday, 6 all together on wednesday, and usually i work 2 days a weekend, shifts that are 5hrs or so. This weekend it is 3 days.
I hope one day I am blessed with the opportunity to be a stay at home momma.

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