Where Did It Go?

New Years Eve night, around 10pm, I had just gotten off work. I was walking through Wal-Mart picking up some Gatorade for sick Robert at home and some formula for Caelyn, as well as a few jars of baby food and some fresh fruit for Caelyn as well.

It hit me as I was walking out of the baby aisle that I am almost done buying formula. While, its a great thing because I hated that we had to use it at all and that I stopped breastfeeding, it makes me sad.
She is almost a year old. She has whole milk now about once a day since about 10 months. She does great with it. But, when she has no more formula at all, for some reason, it means..... less of a baby?
I was hit with this overwhelming urge to cry. Here I was... looking at the fresh veggies and fruits trying to think of whether to buy strawberries or apples for my baby instead of wondering if it was too early to give her oatmeal. I thinking about making baked cinnamon apples for a snack for my girl instead of a jar of mangos. It just hit me that... my little girl IS getting bigger and that does make me sad. As much as I love watching her grow and learn, I also miss that newborn. I miss that scent of a newborn, I miss her being so tiny. I miss her NEEDING her momma so much. She is becoming a toddler before my eyes and I wish with all of my heart that I could slow down the hands of time and make it stop.
I wish I could go back to this little newborn in this picture.....
But, I can't and I have to move on and watch her grow. Don't get me wrong, I love to watch it! But, a part of me gets sad as well. I guess maybe that is God's plan. Maybe he wants us to get sad so we want another baby so we still have a newborn that is dependent on us like we mothers so desire.

It is ok. I know one day I will have another newborn in my arms. I know my baby is in her crib right now safe and sound and I know tomorrow is another day to watch her grow up. Sometimes though, I wish time would slow down so we could savor the little moments just a tiny bit more!

When I Look Down

Tonight I gave Caelyn her late bottle; its not something that happens every night. She drank it with her eyes shut, all snuggled up in the nook of my arm. After she was done, she drifted off back into sleep. I walked her into her room to lay her down in bed.. and looked down at her in my arms. Sometimes, the sight of her still can bring tears to my eyes because..
When I look down..
I see the most important person in my life.
I see Robert, the man that I love and will spend my life with.
I see my sister; Caelyn is starting to look just like her.
I see the light in my parents eyes when they see her and how her face lights up with joy when she sees them.
I see the first time I held her; how that moment will forever be imprinted in my heart.
I see all the joy she has brought me already, all the smiles that have crossed my face because of her.
I see all of the joy and fun she will bring into our lives in the future.
I see our family that is going to grow in the future and all of the wonderful things that we will do together.
I see Caelyn; a beautiful, sparkling, intelligent, funny, headstrong (already) little girl who in 4 1/2 months has changed my life and me personally more than I ever thought possible. I see a little girl who has developed a laidback personality like her father, who loves to laugh like her parents, and who has the temper like her mother.

Its moments like this that make me thank God for what he has given me and for what he will give me in the future.

Beautiful Moments

Monday, well technically Tuesday, night/morning.. 3:00am to be exact... Robert and I had just laid down finally and began to cuddle/fall asleep. He said to me "I really hope she sleeps through the night." Caelyn had been sleeping through the night every night for a few weeks now - score! But, she is only little and we understand that there will still be late night feedings. It happens and we deal.

Well, I went to check on her. I could tell by the way she was moving, stretching, throwing her arms, etc.. that she was going to wake up, so I whispered quietly for Robert to come into her room. We have a monitor - so he heard me and came walking in quietly.
We both stood above her crib and watched her wake up. She was stretching her arms and moving from side to side. Finally, her little almond eyes fluttered open and began searching the room above her. Then, she turned her head and caught sight of both of us standing beside the crib. Her little face erupted with a smile.

She began to coo - she is great at her "ooo" "ewwww" and "awww." So we both leaned her crib, looked down at her, and just watched. It was like she was showing off for us. She was smiling and cooing - like she was having a conversation with us. We would just say "uh huh, say more" and she kept going - for about 5 minutes. Smiling and squealing - so happy to see her mommy and daddy.

Gone lately are the nights/morning we wake to a screaming baby. Most mornings, she is nothing but a happy baby to see us.

But, this night stood out to me because it was both of us awake with her. Both of us watched her, both in amazement. Still to this day we talk about how we just can't understand how we have made this beautiful little being. Like Monday morning we had "family cuddle time" in bed which we all love.

What a blessing our child is - I look forward to more blessings in the future.
This was just one beautiful moment in our beautiful life together as a family - but, because of this blog, it is one more beautiful moment I can remember and recall. The moment we both stood above our child and watched in amazement at the being we created together. We both stood looking at this being who has changed so much since we have brought her home. We both stood watching a little person whom we love beyond imagine.

This is love.