Monday, May 17, 2010

What They Never Tell You

I read ALL the baby books I could get on hand. I love to read, well I did before I became a mother. Now...reading feel likes a distant memory, but I would like to find a way to go back to it. Anyway. They tell you that your relationship with your significant other will change, that having a baby will change everything, but I feel like that doesn't even begin to touch the surface!

I'm not ashamed in anyway to tell you that Robert and I have been having issues, but I hope that they will be fixed. I believe that I have some form of PPD that is effecting me badly. I never ever in a million years thought that I would be saying that.. because well.. you know I would be the one person that doesn't get it, right?! I feel bad because I am super irritated lately. I snap at the drop of a hat and it generally is directed at Robert. I have days that I am sad. I cry all day long and I just have no idea what is wrong with me. I have lost interest in mostly everything.. even in blogging, which I loved so much.. now I still love it.. but I wish I didn't need to take care of it.. that it would magically pop out of my brain onto a post.. haha.. I wish.. a sex life doesn't happen because I have zero interest. That part doesn't worry me..

It is the irritated/frustrated/upset/sad/crying part of me that does. Which is why I am going to the doctors. I just have to face that maybe something is wrong with me. I'm sure that I could get back on track, I know I can. I just don't want to let it get out of hand. I am going to see what the doctor tells me and.. we will see them.

That wasn't what I was going to talk about though.. With all of the stress of parenthood.. relationships tend to fall. I can tell that him and I are slipping, but how do I pick it back up again? I know that hopefully.. once I get over whatever is wrong with that.. that might help. I feel bad when I snap.. but idk it happens without me thinking of it.
Also.. I have realized that in order to be happy and make Robert and I work.. I need to be personally happy. So, I am trying to find new things that I like. My mother's day present was a sewing machine!! I'm learning how to sew.. I make cloth wipes.. I have plans to make felt food, bibs, pillow cases.. OMG, so much! I have taught myself to make wool dryer balls. I guess I am trying to find a new hobby. I need to be happy with myself before I can in anyway make another person happy.
Books can never describe to you how you lose yourself when you have a baby. You forget what YOU are all about; all that suddenly matters is what this little person needs. I have forgotten who I am. Books never can explain how relationships take a toll from having a baby. I always say... from the time I wake up til the time Caelyn goes to sleep.. I am on the clock as Mommy.. when she goes down for the night (she is STTN!!!!!), I clock out for the evening.. and then I have to clock back in as girlfriend. When can I clock out and just be off?! I am trying to juggle many "hats" and it is really something I struggle with. When I focus solely on the baby, well I drop our relationship ball and also my own ball. When I am juggling baby and relationship, I tend to drop my own ball. When I am in school.. I throw in another ball.. and the days I work I throw in a waitress ball... Suddenly, I'm juggling 5 balls and I WILL drop at least one. I'm just not good at juggling. Do you like my explanation?! haha

Anyway.. I know that sooner or later.. things will work out the way God plans for them to be. I trust that. And no matter what... I will try to keep my head up! I can do this!

1 comment:

  1. I hear ya, I don't think anyone tells you because it's so hard to even put into words how much life changes. When I meet people who are pregnant now, I try to explain it to them, and I just can't. I had NO IDEA how much life/relationships would change after a baby. We haven't been getting much sleep lately and on top of that I'm working full time and it definitely was causing stress on our relationship.

    I was talking to a woman at work and we were saying how you just feel like a machine on auto pilot, that there is nothing FOR YOU anymore. You're not alone, believe me. The only advice I can give is to keep reminding yourself that this too shall pass. And I think it's great that you are trying to find some hobbies to call your own, that is vital :) Good luck!!