Monday, September 5, 2011

Sometimes I Wonder Why...

I did tell you that I would rarely mention Robert and I still plan on not mentioning him much, but today is not one of those days.
Some nights, I stay up late looking through photos online. There is something about flipping through pictures in "albums" on Facebook that makes me smile and cry at the same time. It is seeing 19 months of Caelyn's life flip by in a few minutes and realizing just how much she has changed in this period of time.
During the flipping of pictures, I am bound to come across photos online of Robert. His most recent picture with Caelyn was on Easter 2011, so just about 4 months ago. This is the last photo I have of them together and I am pretty sure it will be the last - permanently.
More days than not, I am at ease with the fact that he has made the decision to not be in Caelyn's life. Who am I to make that decision for him? I am her mother and that fact will never change; I know that I will never leave her side. But, I am in no position to convince him that her having a step-father and a biological father is not a terrible thing. This is his reason behind leaving - that she deserves one father that is always there for her, not two. I am still baffled by this because millions of children are raised with two fathers and come out totally normal. But, I couldn't convince him of this.
I haven't spoken to him since the end of July and will not unless 100% necessary. I do not plan on seeing him, unless necessary - which it will be one day.
I began having problems with him ditching her in the beginning of May - him lying to get out of babysitting, saying he would pick her up yet not doing so, etc. His last visit with her was on June 5. I remember it well. I worked and he had her. I left and told him I was stopping at Andrew's house, which I was about to move into, to drop off paint then I would be up to pick her up. He said no and that he was close to Andrew's home and would drop her off there. When he showed up, he said she was being Satan. He left her and that was the last time he has seen her.
How can a father do that? How can a father not see his child in 3 months?
I sometimes wonder when I am alone if he thinks about her. If she pops into his mind and if he ever wonders what she is doing then. I hope so.
He told us that he wants to give up parental rights and will allow Andrew to adopt her once we are married. We are planning on moving forward with that plan. I wonder if he will change his mind when we move forward with it. There is so much unknown and I hate that, because I like to have all the cards out in front of me. I wonder if his future marriage with his girl won't work out and if that will spur him to want to make contact. We hope by that time that we have had time to work the adoption out.
Most of all, I hope that he realizes that the decision will be permanent. He couldn't decide in 6 years that he wants to be a father to her again because he will have no ties to her except for blood relations and she will have no clue to who he is.

I do my best to not worry, stress, or think about it or him. Sometimes though, the thoughts make their way into my mind. I can't help but wonder. I just pray that God has a smooth plan ahead for us. And that Andrew's pager would stop going off right now. Amen.

No comments:

Post a Comment