Saturday, October 23, 2010

Where I Am Failing

I am slacking in areas of my life and I am truly struggling. Mostly, I am struggling with school. Previously, I really thought that having a newborn and being a full time student was hard.
I miss those days! She stayed where I put her.
Now, I am truly struggling. How can I study for a class and watch my daughter at the same time? It SOUNDS easy, but trust me, its not. Every 2 minutes she is doing something she shouldn't. She is finding something somewhere, who knows where, to put into her mouth that she shouldn't.
What is more important? Making sure my baby is safe and sound, or studying for a class that I truly have no interest in anymore.

I think it comes down to my priorities have changed 100% and I get irritated when people don't understand that.
I remember when my goal was to become a teacher and family and being a SAHM was last. Now, I don't WANT to be a teacher anymore. I want to be a mother, goddamnit. Why can't anyone else but me understand that? I am only finishing this up so no one can jump all over me and criticize me for not going through with college.
I want to be a mother, a damn good one, a homemaker, a wife, a Christian woman. I know what God wants me to do and this is it. This is what my heart wants me to do, to be. Its a calling that pulls at every part of my being and yet, no one understands that.
"Stay focused on the goal." Well if you want me to focus on my goal, that doesn't involve this. This is YOUR goal for me, but NOT my goal for me. Is this hard to understand or comprehend that because of my daughter, the most amazing blessing in my life, my life, priorities, goals, and dreams have changed? I don't think so.

I am struggling with my goal - to be a supermom.
I hate economics. I have midterm on Thursday I am worried about.
I received an email from my teacher about my 20th Century Europe midterm grade - an 80% B because I need to explain in more detail the significance of things. The email made me feel terrible, like a failure, for a B!
I received a D on my anthropology class and honestly, that class is such a joke that I don't even care anymore. The teacher is a joke and is getting paid to do nothing and not even teach us ANYTHING. That makes me mad - He stands there not speaking of anything to do with the class then gives us a test that a bunch of us don't do well on. Why? because you don't teach us anything.

Ok, so I know I need to finish college, but then everyone is like you will graduate and get a job. No, you're wrong. I will graduate and be a wife, if not prior to graduation. I will graduate, Robert & I will more than likely buy a house somewhere, and settle down, get pregnant again. This is what we want for our family.
Maybe I am old fashioned, who would figure? Robert is the man of the house, the "bread-winner," etc. Me? I am the wife, the mom, the homemaker, the core of it all. Thats how it is supposed to be, in my eyes. This is what I want. Is it hard to understand? I don't think so.

Oh well, I suppose as long as I understand, who cares right?

1 comment:

  1. I understand! (Except, luckily, there wasn't pressure for me to keep studying. Everyone realized it was pointless to invest so much money into something I'll probably never use. If anything, I've been encouraged to get a photography degree.)
    Do whatever you think is best.
    Maybe try taking Caelyn somewhere where she can play and you can study... But she's safe, so you can focus more on studying. Try CTK Euch. Chapel - it's pretty safe in there!